Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Long Time No Blog...

Hi All,
I've been horrible about my Monday, Wednesday, Friday blogging schedule.  A few of you have contacted me to make sure I'm still alive...thanks for caring enough to check...maybe you were just hoping to cash in on my life insurance policy, but I'll give you the benefit of the doubt.  Besides, my policy leaves everything to Orlando Brandon.

There have been a few things keeping me from blogging:

  1. I was insanely sick for the first half of November.  What started as a cold somehow turned into me coughing up blood and ending up in urgent care.  I only tell you that because it adds some color to the story.  I asked Brandon if he thought it was sexy (in a Twilight/vampire kind of way) and he ignored me.  I'll assume that means he was so turned on that he couldn't speak.
  2. I've been working on a non-blogging related project.  It's top secret right now, but I will say that it's revolutionary and will change the way ordinary folks breathe.  (All of that is true except for the revolutionary, ordinary folks, breathing part).  I'm hoping to get this project launched sometime soon, so I'll be sharing details shortly.
  3. I have no third excuse, but my OCD requires me to list a third point.
I hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving holiday.  Pumpkin pie is my absolute FAVORITE, so have an extra slice for me!


Friday, October 28, 2011

Pumpkin Patch in Portland

Last week I went up to Portland for business and decided to take my trusty little side-kick with me!  It wasn't all business though.  We had time to hit up the pumpkin patch.

Ma!  I look like a dork...get me out of this tire!

This is more like it...I love pumpkins!

...and now I'm a dork again


Wednesday, October 26, 2011

mmm, Crap Sandwich

Every morning Brandon makes himself a sack lunch to take to work.  We've been married for 3 years (I think) and he never makes me a lunch.  Typically he's really considerate, but for some reason it NEVER occurs to him to make me a lunch.  So this morning I said, "Who do I need to sleep with around here to get a lunch?!?!"

Apparently I'm not very good in bed, because this is what he made me:

crap sandwich
Please note the list of ingredients:

  • Bread
  • Turkey
  • Cheese

I do the grocery shopping, so I know we have condiments in the house.  Perhaps he thinks I like a dry sandwich?  I also know we have avocado in the house, which would have been a delightful addition.  

Brandon, I deem you the worst sandwich maker in the history of sandwich making. Congratulations!


Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Let Me Introduce You To My New Friend...

On Monday, I blogged briefly about how I develop main criteria is that they must be more interesting than me.  So how do I go about finding these interesting people?  Well if you are just waiting for fascinating people to magically appear on your doorstep, it's not that easy.  You have to seek these people out...which is exactly what I's semi-stalker, but I'm not above it.

With the internet, there is just no excuse not to reach out to awesome people...which is exactly what I do.  Let me walk you through step by step on how I met my latest friend:

  1. My friend Micki posts a fantastic picture of her dog on Facebook (she was in the picture too, but I like dogs more than people so I really only noticed the dog...sorry Micki, you are beautiful, but the dog was simply glowing).
  2. I contact Micki and ask who took the picture.
  3. She emails me the name of the photographer.
  4. I stalk the photographer and read every inch of her website.
  5. I email the photographer...tell her I love her pictures...I want to meet her and crawl in her brain (I worded this more eloquently).
  6. She agrees to meet with me.
  7. That weekend I meet up with the photographer and we spend 2-3 hours together talking about life, dogs, career, photography, friends, etc...she's brilliant and answers all of my beginner level photography questions...I give her some feedback about some simple marketing ideas for her photography business...I love her...she hasn't expressed her love for me, but I'd be willing to say she likes me.
  8. I'm invited to a networking dinner next month that she's hosting. friend.  She's smart, talented, creative...and meets my criteria of being more interesting than me.  And I'd like to introduce you to her:

Mara Casey, meet whoever is reading this....whoever is reading this, meet Mara Casey.

this looks exactly like Roscoe!!!  i can't believe this isn't our dog!
Oh yeah...she also does non-fur-babies!
I hope you enjoy her beautiful pictures as much as I do.  You can find her on Facebook or on her website


Monday, October 17, 2011

How To Qualify To Be My Friend

For those of you that have been following my blog, it may seem like I think all people are fucktards.  Not so!  I don't think ALL people are fucktards...just like I don't think ALL dogs have hair.

I'm pretty sure this is a dog

I actually like people A LOT.  I'm fascinated by people.  Here's the thing...I have standards.  Just because you are upright and breathe doesn't qualify you to be in my circle.  Unless you're like...say Helen Keller...if you are blind, deaf and mute then I'm totaly fine with you just being upright and breathing.

My circle of peeps is extremely diverse.  My criteria is simple...make friends with people that I find more interesting than myself.  You're probably thinking, "That shouldn't be too hard, because you're not that interesting."  Oooooh, burn. next post I'll introduce you to a friend and why I think she rocks.


Friday, October 14, 2011

It's What's For Dinner...(the other white meat)

The other night, I was Instant Messaging with my friend Michelle who happens to be one of the funniest people I know.  We were chatting about how our husbands have been desensitized to our humor.  It takes so much effort to get a reaction.  My goal is to get an "out loud" laugh from Brandon once a week.  It's A LOT of work.  It's like he's dead inside or something.

Michelle challenged me...and I accepted.  "Mission To Make Brandon Laugh And Blog About It" quickly was put into motion.  Here's how it all went down on Wednesday night:

Brandon- What's for dinner?  (scanning inside of fridge)
Me- Check the freezer.
Brandon- What looks good to you?
Me- How about the donkey labia?  (straight face)
Brandon- And where would I find that?  (slight smirk)
Me- Bottom rear.
Brandon- Is it moist and tender?
Me- Depends on how you prepare it.
Brandon- So when are you blogging about this?

DAMN DAMN DAMN you Brandon!!!  What is wrong with him??!?!  He's completely immune to me!


Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Hey Gap...You Kind of Suck Right Now

I'm in a one-sided feud with The Gap.  Perhaps if they knew that I'm capable of holding a grudge until infinity, they might take me seriously.  Here's how it all went down:

Go back to last Friday (insert dreamy harp music)...I go into The Gap and see they are having a big Columbus Day sale.  I love Columbus, so I have to support him by spending some money.  I pick up a few basic sweaters in size Medium and assume they will fit...I later try them on at home and they fit PERFECTLY.  I should photograph myself in these sweaters and send them to The Gap, because I really think I could be hired as a fit-model for their size Medium...but because I'm now feuding with them I will not even consider taking a job as their fit-model.

This is the fits me even better than it does this Katie Holmes look alike!

I decide on Monday (Columbus Day) that I want to go online and buy one of the sweaters in multiple colors since it fits so well.  The sale is still going so I'm sweater was only $17.48 on Friday, so I'd be stupid not to buy it in every single color and then have them all sit in my closet until I decide to give them to Goodwill next season (this is a reoccurring shopping theme in my life).  BUT WAIT!!!  It's now Monday and my $17.48 sweater is showing online that the price is now $'s only 10% off the original price.  What gives?  So I call customer service:

Me- Hi there.  I am loving your 50% off Columbus Day sale.  I bought a sweater on Friday for $17.48 in the store and would like to buy additional colors, but the online price is showing $31.46.  It's still $17.48 at the store.  Can you fix this?
Gap Girl- Yeah, the prices don't always match.  It's weird.
Me- Can you match it?
Gap Girl- Unfortunately we don't match the store prices.  Let me check and see what price I show on my end's $34.95
Me- Huh?!?  $17 in store...$31 online...$35 on the phone?!?!  This makes no sense.  You are The Gap, not some Mom & can't fix this?
Gap Girl- Let me check with my boss.
Gap Girl- Unfortunately I can't match the price.  We'd be able to match it if you were an exclusive size.
Me- What is an exclusive size?
Gap Girl- XXXL
Me- So you're telling me if I was morbidly obese that you could give me a 50% discount, but because I am of average size you cannot?  That makes no sense.  I should be getting a greater discount because I'm using less fabric.
Gap Girl- (she's laughing)...yes, it makes no sense...but I still can't match the price.